Whenever I hear the words, "this negro/n*gga/fool..." I know that everybody in the group is about to get that much closer. A chorus of the following may be heard to solidfy the bond:
Mmm!
Giiiiiiiirl!
Trfilin.
Hot. Mess.
N*ggas ain't sh*t.
At least half of the people involved in the conversation will shake their heads from side to side at some point.
Preachers have recognized this as good way to get the pews riled up as well. Allude to a no good man from the pulpit, and see how many women stand up, and give that concentrated look that says "PREACH!" without actually saying a word (that might be my favorite church move). If ever I was a guest preacher in a church, best believe I am going to talk about God making me stronger by having me deal with some no-good man at least 2 or 3 times (and for blessing me by getting rid of folks from my life that I had no business dealing with).
I have come to realize that in many of my friendships, in the early stages we often connected around our desire to be with a good man. This includes information-seeking ("Where are the good men at?"); narratives of foolishness ("This negro...") ; narratives of confusion leading to a brainstorming session trying to analyze what happened and next steps ("I just don't understand why..."), and the rare inspirational story of someone's friend getting a good man and a loving relationship (Well my friend Josephine, she met her husband at...").
This bonding ritual feels great--it's entertaining, it builds a sense of community, and it can be helpful at times. But I want to put out a few warnings that I've realized recently. I'd say we spend a great deal of time discussing the foolishness and the hardships of the dating world and dealing with men. Now, I understand there is a greater context of WHY this is true. Many men are wildin' out, and it can be so disheartening. It's true. There are also good, SINGLE, men out there as well (yes, you gotta find them--but they are there!). I don't take the statistics we hear at face value. Anyone see that ABC Special with Steve Harvey: "What's wrong with educated black women not being able to get a man?" Oh, that's not what it was called? Close enough. The media loves pathologizing us, as America in general has loved to do. I could write a whole dissertation on the context of my/our situation, but I'm not enrolled in a PhD program, and no one has given me a grant for that. So I'm just going to write about what I can do as an individual in control of my thoughts and actions to get what I want.
When I think about the other areas of our lives--particularly professional pursuits, or finding apartments/homes , I more often hear women giving each other encouraging words. "I know you're going to get that job!" "You'll find a place, you just have to keep looking. Have you been looking on Craig's List?" This sounds very DC-oriented but those are the other major issues people I'm around typically deal with. While everyone empathizes with the difficulties, the convo usually moves towards a positive tone of hope. With the men convo: rarely an uplifting tone. I have been reading and listening to mentors about life/love, and the messages that I have been picking up are based on the "laws of attraction" type of stuff. It's in the Bible, it's in the new age lingo, my guess is similar themes are in many of the major religions--same ol stuff, just a different name. You have to speak what you want into existence. You have to visualize. You have to believe and internalize that you will achieve your goals. This is not just with career, education and home. This is with love too.
I tried to adapt this mentality when it's come to dating and love; however, I found it really difficult to maintain this mentality because convos so often find their way back to the recklessness involved in dating. Furthermore, since high school, I have become a sort of griot of the ratched and confusing experiences in my "pursuit" of love. It has been the source of entertainment for many a friend. As someone who likes to chew my tobacco three times, I know the healing power of expressing your feelings and your story. Still, I have to ask, at what point does venting and participation in such convos become counter-productive in my life?
I am recommitting myself to have this "speak it into existence" laws of attraction approach not only to my career pursuits, but also to my love life. I know it's challenging. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled....ok, let's just say it's been hard on these streets. It has been! And it continues to be, but I am going to approach this process knowing that there is an unlimited amount of love in this universe ). I will get my share).
What does this look like in my day-to-day?
1) I am going to change my internal speak. For me, this includes mantras. Repeating a mantra out-loud with concentration does have an effect for me, "I'm a victor, not a victim!" (from a church service I attended)
2) It means when I am getting to know a man, I am not approaching the process from a place of fear (no more, "well, he's so fine, he's probably a ho" or "well, it's always good in the beginning, what's really wrong with him?"). When those thoughts come up, I have to say, "hold up! Wait a minute!"
and replace them with my new-found outlook. I don't want my actions in the world of dating and finding love to stem from a place of fear. I remember in church the pastor talking about not acting from a place of fear. I heard that message from the preacher and read it in a relationship book both within one month, and each time it made me reflect. I knew that I had to pay attention.
and replace them with my new-found outlook. I don't want my actions in the world of dating and finding love to stem from a place of fear. I remember in church the pastor talking about not acting from a place of fear. I heard that message from the preacher and read it in a relationship book both within one month, and each time it made me reflect. I knew that I had to pay attention.
3) Finally, it means that I will try to refrain from the convos focused on the recklessness and absurdities that are out here in these streets. If the discussion isn't forward-moving or involving genuine reflection, then I plan on falling back.
I am applying these strategies more intentionally with both the personal and professional aspects of my life and I know it will change the game for me. KNOW, not think. See? I'm starting.
