"Giiiiiirl...Anybody Read Any Good Books Lately": Reframing my Conversation & Approach to Men & Love

 If you are a black woman looking to make friends with other black women, there is one topic that I have found unifies everyone girl in the room--black men. I have never seen a topic so unifying as the hardships of being an educated young woman trying to find a good, educated black man. I realized the instantaneous bonding that occurs in these convos when I was a student at Duke. Part of the black woman experience at Duke was dealing with the insufficient quantity (and due to the resulting effects of supply and demand--quality) of black men to date.

Whenever I hear the words, "this negro/n*gga/fool..." I know that everybody in the group is about to get that much closer. A chorus of the following may be heard to solidfy the bond:

Mmm!

Giiiiiiiirl! 

Trfilin.

Hot. Mess.

N*ggas ain't sh*t.

At least half of the people involved in the conversation will shake their heads from side to side at some point. 

Preachers have recognized this as good way to get the pews riled up as well. Allude to a no good man from the pulpit, and see how many women stand up, and give that concentrated look that says "PREACH!" without actually saying a word (that might be my favorite church move). If ever I was a guest preacher in a church, best believe I am going to talk about God making me stronger by having me deal with some no-good man at least 2 or 3 times (and for blessing me by getting rid of folks from my life that I had no business dealing with).   

I have come to realize that in many of my friendships, in the early stages we often connected around our desire to be with a good man. This includes information-seeking ("Where are the good men at?"); narratives of foolishness ("This negro...") ; narratives of confusion leading to a brainstorming session trying to analyze what happened and next steps ("I just don't understand why..."), and the rare inspirational story of someone's friend getting a good man and a loving relationship (Well my friend Josephine, she met her husband at...").

This bonding ritual feels great--it's entertaining, it builds a sense of community, and it can be helpful at times. But I want to put out a few warnings that I've realized recently. I'd say we spend a great deal of time discussing the foolishness and the hardships of the dating world and dealing with men. Now, I understand there is a greater context of WHY this is true. Many men are wildin' out, and it can be so disheartening. It's true. There are also good, SINGLE, men out there as well (yes, you gotta find them--but they are there!). I don't take the statistics we hear at face value. Anyone see that ABC Special with Steve Harvey: "What's wrong with educated black women not being able to get a man?" Oh, that's not what it was called? Close enough. The media loves pathologizing us, as America in general has loved to do. I could write a whole dissertation on the context of my/our situation, but I'm not enrolled in a PhD program, and no one has given me a grant for that. So I'm just going to write about what I can do as an individual in control of my thoughts and actions to get what I want.

When I think about the other areas of our lives--particularly professional pursuits, or finding apartments/homes , I more often hear women giving each other encouraging words. "I know you're going to get that job!" "You'll find a place, you just have to keep looking. Have you been looking on Craig's List?" This sounds very DC-oriented but those are the other major issues people I'm around typically deal with. While everyone empathizes with the difficulties, the convo usually moves towards a positive tone of hope. With the men convo: rarely an uplifting tone. I have been reading and listening to mentors about life/love, and the messages that I have been picking up are based on the "laws of attraction" type of stuff. It's in the Bible, it's in the new age lingo, my guess is similar themes are in many of the major religions--same ol stuff, just a different name. You have to speak what you want into existence. You have to visualize. You have to believe and internalize that you will achieve your goals. This is not just with career, education and home. This is with love too. 

I tried to adapt this mentality when it's come to dating and love; however, I found it really difficult to maintain this mentality because convos so often find their way back to the recklessness involved in dating. Furthermore, since high school, I have become a sort of griot of the ratched and confusing experiences in my "pursuit" of love. It has been the source of entertainment for many a friend. As someone who likes to chew my tobacco three times, I know the healing power of expressing your feelings and your story. Still, I have to ask, at what point does venting and participation in such convos become counter-productive in my life?

I am recommitting myself to have this "speak it into existence" laws of attraction approach not only to my career pursuits, but also to my love life. I know it's challenging. I've been hoodwinked, bamboozled....ok, let's just say it's been hard on these streets. It has been! And it continues to be, but I am going to approach this process knowing that there is an unlimited amount of love in this universe ). I will get my share).

What does this look like in my day-to-day?

1) I am going to change my internal speak.  For me, this includes mantras. Repeating a mantra out-loud with concentration does have an effect for me, "I'm a victor, not a victim!" (from a church service I attended)

2) It means when I am getting to know a man, I am not approaching the process from a place of fear (no more, "well, he's so fine, he's probably a ho" or "well, it's always good in the beginning, what's really wrong with him?"). When those thoughts come up, I have to say, "hold up! Wait a minute!"
and replace them with my new-found outlook. I don't want my actions in the world of dating and finding love to stem from a place of fear. I remember in church the pastor talking about not acting from a place of fear. I heard that message from the preacher and read it in a relationship book both within one month, and each time it made me reflect. I knew that I had to pay attention. 

3) Finally, it means that I will try to refrain from the convos focused on the recklessness and absurdities that are out here in these streets. If the discussion isn't forward-moving or involving genuine reflection, then I plan on falling back. 

I am applying these strategies more intentionally with both the personal and professional aspects of my life and I know it will change the game for me. KNOW, not think. See? I'm starting.

Game Over: Deal-Breakers and Can't Stands

Eharmony has what they call "must haves"--things your mate must have (integrity, style, active life style, honesty--whatever is most important to you). They also have the deal-breakers or what they call "can't stands" as in I CAN'T STAND someone who...cheats, uses drugs, is racist, has poor hygiene, etc. You send your list of must-haves and can't-stands to the potential, future lover(s) that you've got your eye on, and he sends his list to you--mind you this is before you can even exchange email messages. This is one of the great qualities of the Eharmony online experience.  You can get to the heart of things asap before you even have to spend time chit-chatting. I've cut people out based on looking at their lists because I know what I'm looking for and how I live my life, and I felt like what we valued in a partner was at odds. (Note: I am not necessarily recommending Eharmony overall, but these lists were one of the qualities that I liked about the site).

I recently have been getting to know this wonderful, young man--smart, HILARIOUS, good heart, has treated me well; someone whose company I truly enjoy. Things have been going great. Within the first couple of weeks talking, this man essentially told me that he wants his son to be Jr., and I was cool with our hypothetical, unborn son being named after him. Yes, you read that correctly. That's what a good vibe we had! It's DEEP son!

After getting to know him for several weeks, the issue of smoking weed came up. You see, drugs of any kind is a deal breaker for me. Always has been (well--there was one guy who was super gorgeous whom I kept talking to nonchalantly, until I found out he lied about erethang in life--but that's a different story for a different entry). As much as I was feeling this guy, I couldn't let our rapport go further knowing he smokes. I didn't want to look up 10 years down the road when we hags ve little Jr. and his baby sister, and my husband is going to light it up with the hommies to unwind. Nah, G. I ain't about that life. Usually, I put the drug question out there early so that I don't get caught up and then have to end things.  In this scenario I had somehow thought we had talked about it early on. Clearly we didn't. After explaining  my issue with smoking, I found out that it's something he very rarely does, and he would completely give it up if we get into a relationship. Glad he realizes I'm totes worth it (duh;) so fortunately, this is a situation I can still entertain.

 In the relationship book Love Smart, Dr. Phil cosigns the importance of knowing your must-haves and deal-breakers before you seek a mate, so that you know what you are seeking, and you don't get all caught up and then potentially loose yourself or get into an unhappy relationship. I am convinced he knows what he talks about after reading that book. Highly recommend it if you're a woman in the dating world. But I digress...It's hard to let a man go when you still like him and he treats you well. It does feel like your breaking your own heart just because of the disappointment.  Having your deal-breakers and your must-haves in place, sticking with them and figuring out if your potential partner meets your criteria are all diferent things, and altogether, it's a big part of what makes dating a trying process.

There's also a difference between the more straightforward characteristics like marital status versus other qualities like laziness. Eharmony separates its can't stands into 2 categories: Traits such as
Denial…

I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

Workaholic…

I can’t stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.

Lazy…

I can’t stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a “couch potato.”

 and Values
Poor Hygiene…

I can’t stand someone who is not clean.

Hypocrites…

I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for their actions and those of other people.

Judgmental…

I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.

Although I don't know what their exact definitions for traits and values, I like the idea of categorizing can't stands. See their full list of options here. And just to differentiate, here are some must have's:

1. Chemistry
2. Communicator
3. Sense of Humor
4. Emotionally Healthy
5. Strong Character

So I want to put these q's out there for contemplation and, or discussion: What are your deal-breakers? Is there anything that use to be a deal-breaker but is no longer a deal-breaker now? Is there a process that you tend to use to discover if someone you're interested in or dating has any of your deal-breakers? What about timing--are there certain things you always ask upfront? Are there certain things you wait to find out? What role does timing play when you seek out certain info?

Cheers!

"Love, life and self"

Out here in these cold streets trying to find love and that special someone. I tell ya, I’ve learned some things. After years of naivete, not appreciating my self-worth and a fear of putting myself out there completely, I’ve gained a whole lot of learning experiences and little love. I’ve come to a sort of cross-roads at 26. I have been in the dating game for 10 years straight. The last I had a boyfriend I was 17 and it lasted about 2 weeks. Ten years--talk about draining. No reprieve with a loving relationship. No significant self-imposed sabbatical from the game (although I could argue that grad school was close to that). I have been in the mixing and mingling dating game for 10 years. 
To be honest, I never thought I’d be in the same situation at 26 that I was when I was was 20, or even 24. I am intelligent, kind, funny and beautiful dag nabbit! Why haven’t I had my turn with a loving relationship? Even my male peers are like, “huh?”

As folks say, you have to look at the constant in the equation, and I am the constant.  So I’m taking an honest look at me. What am I doing that is keeping me in this rut?  Entering this process chips at the ego a bit I must say. All this time I was blaming these foolish Negroes who don’t know how to treat a woman, or the lack of potential suitors in my random career-driven habitats (Duke University—with no car, mind you; Minnesota, Boston) or my focus on school and work. But I had to be real: Plenty of women have serious relationships despite all of the foolishness; they have relationships in random places; and they have them while getting their degrees and, or accomplishing career goals. I could write a Dr. Seuss book about all the situations where woman ARE successfully having relationships (they have them while going to grad school; they have them despite all of the fools; they have them in DC; they have them despite high rates of HIV—mm! ish just got too real …) But I digress…

This is my journey of self-discovery as I try to dissect my thought processes/actions/attitudes that have held me back from what I want in my love life. It is also my adventure of trying to obtain the kind of love I want and deserve with a revolutionized mentality and game plan.
I have to purge the old hurt and pain, the ineffective attitudes and thought processes and then fill myself with a “laws of attraction”-style energy, a fresh perspective and game plan to obtain the goals in my love life the same way I obtain my goals in other areas of my life. As my momma always says, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

It is my hope that not only will writing this be a therapeutic and at times enjoyable process for me, but that I may also offer something to other people as well—lessons they may want to consider of themselves, a chortle here and there, or just a way to commiserate with trying to figure out love, life and self.

Cheers,