Game Over: Deal-Breakers and Can't Stands

Eharmony has what they call "must haves"--things your mate must have (integrity, style, active life style, honesty--whatever is most important to you). They also have the deal-breakers or what they call "can't stands" as in I CAN'T STAND someone who...cheats, uses drugs, is racist, has poor hygiene, etc. You send your list of must-haves and can't-stands to the potential, future lover(s) that you've got your eye on, and he sends his list to you--mind you this is before you can even exchange email messages. This is one of the great qualities of the Eharmony online experience.  You can get to the heart of things asap before you even have to spend time chit-chatting. I've cut people out based on looking at their lists because I know what I'm looking for and how I live my life, and I felt like what we valued in a partner was at odds. (Note: I am not necessarily recommending Eharmony overall, but these lists were one of the qualities that I liked about the site).

I recently have been getting to know this wonderful, young man--smart, HILARIOUS, good heart, has treated me well; someone whose company I truly enjoy. Things have been going great. Within the first couple of weeks talking, this man essentially told me that he wants his son to be Jr., and I was cool with our hypothetical, unborn son being named after him. Yes, you read that correctly. That's what a good vibe we had! It's DEEP son!

After getting to know him for several weeks, the issue of smoking weed came up. You see, drugs of any kind is a deal breaker for me. Always has been (well--there was one guy who was super gorgeous whom I kept talking to nonchalantly, until I found out he lied about erethang in life--but that's a different story for a different entry). As much as I was feeling this guy, I couldn't let our rapport go further knowing he smokes. I didn't want to look up 10 years down the road when we hags ve little Jr. and his baby sister, and my husband is going to light it up with the hommies to unwind. Nah, G. I ain't about that life. Usually, I put the drug question out there early so that I don't get caught up and then have to end things.  In this scenario I had somehow thought we had talked about it early on. Clearly we didn't. After explaining  my issue with smoking, I found out that it's something he very rarely does, and he would completely give it up if we get into a relationship. Glad he realizes I'm totes worth it (duh;) so fortunately, this is a situation I can still entertain.

 In the relationship book Love Smart, Dr. Phil cosigns the importance of knowing your must-haves and deal-breakers before you seek a mate, so that you know what you are seeking, and you don't get all caught up and then potentially loose yourself or get into an unhappy relationship. I am convinced he knows what he talks about after reading that book. Highly recommend it if you're a woman in the dating world. But I digress...It's hard to let a man go when you still like him and he treats you well. It does feel like your breaking your own heart just because of the disappointment.  Having your deal-breakers and your must-haves in place, sticking with them and figuring out if your potential partner meets your criteria are all diferent things, and altogether, it's a big part of what makes dating a trying process.

There's also a difference between the more straightforward characteristics like marital status versus other qualities like laziness. Eharmony separates its can't stands into 2 categories: Traits such as
Denial…

I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

Workaholic…

I can’t stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.

Lazy…

I can’t stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a “couch potato.”

 and Values
Poor Hygiene…

I can’t stand someone who is not clean.

Hypocrites…

I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for their actions and those of other people.

Judgmental…

I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.

Although I don't know what their exact definitions for traits and values, I like the idea of categorizing can't stands. See their full list of options here. And just to differentiate, here are some must have's:

1. Chemistry
2. Communicator
3. Sense of Humor
4. Emotionally Healthy
5. Strong Character

So I want to put these q's out there for contemplation and, or discussion: What are your deal-breakers? Is there anything that use to be a deal-breaker but is no longer a deal-breaker now? Is there a process that you tend to use to discover if someone you're interested in or dating has any of your deal-breakers? What about timing--are there certain things you always ask upfront? Are there certain things you wait to find out? What role does timing play when you seek out certain info?

Cheers!

"Love, life and self"

Out here in these cold streets trying to find love and that special someone. I tell ya, I’ve learned some things. After years of naivete, not appreciating my self-worth and a fear of putting myself out there completely, I’ve gained a whole lot of learning experiences and little love. I’ve come to a sort of cross-roads at 26. I have been in the dating game for 10 years straight. The last I had a boyfriend I was 17 and it lasted about 2 weeks. Ten years--talk about draining. No reprieve with a loving relationship. No significant self-imposed sabbatical from the game (although I could argue that grad school was close to that). I have been in the mixing and mingling dating game for 10 years. 
To be honest, I never thought I’d be in the same situation at 26 that I was when I was was 20, or even 24. I am intelligent, kind, funny and beautiful dag nabbit! Why haven’t I had my turn with a loving relationship? Even my male peers are like, “huh?”

As folks say, you have to look at the constant in the equation, and I am the constant.  So I’m taking an honest look at me. What am I doing that is keeping me in this rut?  Entering this process chips at the ego a bit I must say. All this time I was blaming these foolish Negroes who don’t know how to treat a woman, or the lack of potential suitors in my random career-driven habitats (Duke University—with no car, mind you; Minnesota, Boston) or my focus on school and work. But I had to be real: Plenty of women have serious relationships despite all of the foolishness; they have relationships in random places; and they have them while getting their degrees and, or accomplishing career goals. I could write a Dr. Seuss book about all the situations where woman ARE successfully having relationships (they have them while going to grad school; they have them despite all of the fools; they have them in DC; they have them despite high rates of HIV—mm! ish just got too real …) But I digress…

This is my journey of self-discovery as I try to dissect my thought processes/actions/attitudes that have held me back from what I want in my love life. It is also my adventure of trying to obtain the kind of love I want and deserve with a revolutionized mentality and game plan.
I have to purge the old hurt and pain, the ineffective attitudes and thought processes and then fill myself with a “laws of attraction”-style energy, a fresh perspective and game plan to obtain the goals in my love life the same way I obtain my goals in other areas of my life. As my momma always says, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

It is my hope that not only will writing this be a therapeutic and at times enjoyable process for me, but that I may also offer something to other people as well—lessons they may want to consider of themselves, a chortle here and there, or just a way to commiserate with trying to figure out love, life and self.

Cheers,